7 Teachings By Walter Riso
When I met Walter Riso I was 17 years old. I remember that I was going through a complicated love phase and the book “The limits of love” fell into my hands, which helped me to open my eyes in many aspects of my personal life and realize the myriad of mistakes I was making, both with my partner of the moment as well as myself.
I had fully absorbed the overly romantic ideas they sell us on and learned that, in most cases, this caused more pain than anything else.
Walter Riso, in addition to being a writer, is a clinical psychologist. Specialist in cognitive psychology, promoter and trainer of therapists.
With the reading of “Os Limites do Amor” I fell in love with following his works – some twenty published books – and to this day he is one of the actors who most influenced me. In this article I will try to condense some of the teachings that, personally and professionally, have been most useful to me, although I encourage you to continue to inquire in your reflections.
release from attachment
Laughter teaches us that attachment is the obsessive attachment to someone or something. When we become attached, we tend to believe that this person or object will make us totally happy, will give us security, and will also fill our lives with meaning.
In fact, this is a false idea, a product of romanticism, which can lead a person to suffer from pathological jealousy, emotional dependence, lack of identity…
There are several ways to tell if we are attached to someone or something:
– Knowing how to see if your desire is insatiable or not: if you are never satiated and you always need more, you are suffering from addiction.
– If you lost self-control: if you are no longer the owner of your own conduct, but a slave to that attachment.
– If being without this object of desire causes an intense discomfort.
– If you are still attached to this something, even though it is harmful to you.
Differentiate being from having
One of the keys to personal growth is knowing how to value ourselves for who we are, for our values, principles, our essence, and not for what we have.
When we value ourselves according to what we have, we place happiness on the outside so that we will always be dependent. It is necessary to be aware that we are more than we have, and that we are valued for who we are.
Differentiate the ideal self from the real self
Our insecurity is always born from the distance between the real self and the ideal self. The real self is what I am, while the ideal self is who I want to be.
The problem is that, many times, this real self is distorted and we tend to whip ourselves, looking only at our faults, without being able to perceive our virtues. On the other hand, we also tend to set unrealistic and very demanding goals, so that the distance between the real self and the ideal becomes too long.
Don’t confuse love with obsession
The “I only think about you”, “everything smells like you” or “I can’t live without you” denote obsession, not love, and when there is obsession love stops working.
It is necessary for lovers to understand that they are going to have fun with each other, but without creating a dependency and without actually losing their own identity. We are individuals who have decided to tie ourselves to another person, but tomorrow we can untie ourselves.
Be similar to triumph in love
The saying “opposites attract” has more myth than truth. It is known that the similarity between the members of the couple is essential for the relationship to work. It is, of course, a similarity in the basics: the way of thinking, the values, the convictions and the essence, and not in superficial things such as personal tastes or hobbies.
Fall in love with yourself first
Society teaches us that we need to sacrifice ourselves and take care of others before ourselves, and Walter Riso insists that we should be the point of reference.
We must learn to have self-love and, for that, the four legs of the table are necessary: a good self-concept, without self-punishment or imposing unattainable goals; a positive self-image, according to its own criteria and not according to what society imposes; reward yourself for achievements and successes; and a good deal of self-confidence.
Be a friend of affective loneliness
They wanted to sell us the tale that being alone is like being incomplete, and we even feel pity when we see people going to the movies alone or having coffee alone. But loneliness is not bad. Solitude allows us to be with ourselves, to have new ideas, to have absolute freedom…
Loneliness, in fact, only hurts when you think that your personal fulfillment depends on having a partner by your side, and this is nothing more than a false idea perpetuated by society. So it ‘s good to go through times when you’re your only company, even if you have a partner, without fears or worries.
