Sentimental Detox: Overcoming The End Of A Relationship

During our life journey, we may face the end of many relationships. Whether by one’s own decision or by someone else’s, this is a process that usually generates very different feelings. Thus, we can say that the emotional detox is an essential step to heal the wounds caused by these endings.

An end can be that drop that makes the glass of water overflow, it can cause a wound so deep that it will make us doubt everything and everyone, it can generate a great accumulation of rancor. Whatever the case, it’s not an easy process. It requires an acceptance, an understanding of what has happened that does not harm the affected person’s future.

Hiding the pain and trying to ignore it may work for a while, but the truth is that filling our vital baggage with unhealing wounds is not the best way forward. Sooner or later, these wounds can reopen in circumstances and with people who have nothing to do with their origin.

As such, sentimental detox is essential for healing the open wounds after the end of a relationship.

The different responses when ending a relationship

There are individual and circumstantial differences that influence, and in many cases define, the way we face the end of a relationship. Age, time in life, self-esteem, personality or personal involvement are just some of the modulating variables.

On the other hand, if the relationship is okay and the breakup isn’t predictable, it’s very likely that we’ll start feeling really bad about ourselves and the circumstances. However, when the relationship was abusive, the person who decided to end the relationship usually has very positive feelings about the breakup.

In addition, personal reactions to termination can lead to certain very negative behaviors and mental states, favoring very dysfunctional coping strategies. From extreme emotional anguish, to delusional behavior of trying to get the relationship back in every way, to attempts at revenge.

The rupture of identity

In sentimental terms, we find two clearly differentiated groups of emotions. On the one hand, there are people who feel anguish, confusion, sadness and loneliness, which can lead to frustration and even anger.

At the other extreme, another part of people experiences the end with emotions of freedom, relief, empowerment and optimism. Even so, in most cases, people have considerable resilience over time.

However, what happens in both cases is an identity rupture. The reconstruction of the “I” without the other person is necessary for both parties. So it is wrong to think that the end is easier for the person who made the decision.

The identity rupture is the same for both and, moreover, in many cases, the person who decides to end the relationship is making the decision that the other person did not want or could not make, and therefore carries a double responsibility.

Who am I without you?

This is the first step in the process of overcoming a termination. The concept of oneself is one of the constructions that are most damaged in these cases.

In a long-term relationship, the feeling of “I” is, in many cases, attached to the other person. This is a fundamental error in relationships, even when the relationship appears to be working.

In any case, when facing an emotional breakup, the first thing to do is accept that the situation has changed and that you have also changed with it. It doesn’t matter if it was a voluntary or an involuntary change.

Coping with change is the first step. As with any other grieving process, it is necessary to know that things will never be the same again and that you will not be the same person.

In many relationships that have ended, in addition to the emotional connotations, the scene undergoes a drastic change in routine, and human beings are animals of habit. Seeing ourselves forced to replace the most basic routines is a process that requires an intelligent combination of decision and will.

The damaged or cured self-concept

Generally, when facing a breakup, it is useful to analyze the relationship in terms of identity creation and self-concept.

The breakup will tend to seriously damage the concept of self if the relationship has helped to forge a better concept of ourselves, to grow as people, and has revealed important parts of our own nature, generating, in this evolution, a kind of latent independence.

Otherwise, if the relationship we’ve had hasn’t allowed us to live fully as a person, hasn’t helped us to grow, or has kept us from expressing our own nature, the breakup can bring us feelings of personal rediscovery. In this case, the emotional detox process can be experienced with great relief.

Writing helps to take another perspective

Dr. Lewndowski has done some research looking for effective ways to heal the wounds of love endings. Writing about our feelings as we go through a breakup has proven to be a great coping and emotional detox strategy. It’s not about keeping a tragedy diary, it’s actually simpler.

This technique goes through three phases:

• The first is to reflect on the role of the factors that we believe led to the end of the relationship. Then, we must analyze what was written and point out how it affected our identity and the concept of ourselves;
• In a second phase, we should write about the consequences of ending a few days after it has taken place;
• In the third phase, we write about the consequences of breaking up a few weeks later.

It is definitely about focusing on more aspects than simple sadness and negative feelings. Writing about the events helps people understand what happened more clearly.

Withdrawal syndrome in sentimental detox

The chemical transformation that takes place in our brain with the pain of a breakup can resemble the way an addict’s brain evolves from being prevented from consuming the object of their addiction.

Anthropologist Hellen Fisher’s analyzes suggest that during romantic infatuation, mesolimbic reward and survival systems are activated. This is another secret to emotional detox.

Understanding that there is a physical part that will resent it for a while helps to deal with another form of emotional withdrawal syndrome. Understanding that these are purely physical symptoms that reduce and are eliminated over time also helps to overcome this phase.

Sentimental detox has a physical and an emotional part. Understanding this helps us to gradually overcome the break-up.

When is it advisable to start a new relationship?

There is a general idea that a new relationship that starts after a breakup is not a good idea, nor does it usually work.

However, the results of studies that have focused on this idea show that getting involved, before or after, in a new relationship has more to do with trusting a new partner than with feelings about the previous partner.

It seems that the time between one relationship and the other does not predict the success or failure of the second. Sometimes “rebound” relationships help resolve personal conflicts created by a painful breakup of the previous relationship. The truth is, it depends more on how we find ourselves emotionally.