Overprotective Mothers: How Are You Raising Your Child?

Mom, a very big word. Beautiful for many, with a great deal of meaning and around which there are memories, scents and, of course, children. The role of mother is, however, a role that has limits. Because if performed in a certain way by some people, exceeding these limits, it is possible to endanger both the mother and the children, creating dependency and insecurity. This is the case with some overprotective mothers.

I don’t intend this to be another article that lists the things we do wrong, I just want to talk about the behaviors and attitudes we can take to balance our role as mothers. The central issue is not to try to monopolize the child’s life, nor to control everything, giving space for our children’s abilities to face challenges that motivate their development. For his sake and yours.

Overprotective mothers only want the best for their children

This title refers to the mantra by which many overprotective mothers are governed. It is an ambiguous message, however, as it starts from the parents’ desire and does not consider their children as people with their own desires and needs. In this sense, there is also a common phrase to be heard: “I just want my children to have what I didn’t have. I don’t want anything missing.”

Each child is unique and has individual needs, tastes and their own personality. But when fathers, and especially mothers, have different desires and expectations for their children, it is quite difficult to give them a voice, to listen to what they have to say. What sport do they want to do, what extracurricular activity is most interesting to them, what they like to eat, what they like to wear, or what they want to study and do with their life.

The mother’s mission is to be a helper and accompany the children’s growth. The mission is not about wishing and choosing for them: what’s best for a mother may not be what’s best for her child. When we are young children are dependent on their parents both financially and in terms of love and affection. Maintaining this ends up putting the wishes of the parents ahead of the wishes of the children.

listen before directing

Children, however helpless and helpless they may seem, have likes and desires from an early age. Giving them options and decision opportunities fosters this characteristic and makes them feel special and confident when they have to gradually conquer their autonomy. We parents believe we always know what’s best for our kids, but if we make the decisions for them, they’ll never know.

From an early age, we can delegate decisions to our children, giving, for example, two options to decide what they want for dinner. He can decide whether to eat chicken or fish from an early age. Another example is to consult them about changes made to the house, such as decorating your room. In case they cannot decide, we can at least inform them so that they can participate in family decisions, such as moving or changing schools.

Autonomy is trust

Mothers will always see their children as helpless little ones and it ends up being very difficult to foster their autonomy. Not doing this, however, can make our children dependent and insecure, people who don’t know how to do things for themselves.

Fostering autonomy can be done very early. Putting this claim into practice starts with not doing anything the child could do for himself. If you can start as early as 8 or 9 months of age, start. This can be done by introducing the Baby-Led Weaning method, or baby-guided weaning.

Another way to foster our children’s independence is to make them part of the household chores: to help us take out the trash, make the bed, wash the dishes, take care of pets or plants, or even to help us prepare the meal or clean up according to their abilities. These capabilities are usually far superior to what we can imagine.

Children like to participate and feel useful. As we said before, we can foster autonomy even when they are very young. If we haven’t started yet, though, better late than never. It’s always time to start. In this way, we will no longer be the directors of our children’s lives, and we will raise children capable of solving their problems with greater self-esteem and self-confidence.

be someone in life

In today’s world, we suffer from an illness that greatly values ​​titles over and above anything else. We, parents, let ourselves be influenced by this and prioritize the studies and grades of our children, forgetting other experiences, equally or even more enriching, but that do not improve the child’s school performance. Education and education become the most important part of life, and sometimes the only thing we care about about our children.

We centralize everything in this conception of education, which is very restricted, and we punish or fight when they don’t get the best grades. We make them devote their afternoons to books. Weekends and vacations to study. To make matters worse, when our children fail, we look for an explanation in the cognitive disorders or problems behind their school failure.

To avoid this scenario, mothers also end up sacrificing their free time to study or do homework with their children. They control the performance of their duties or even end up doing their duty for them, so that they get a good grade. Our job, however, is not that. It’s looking for the right time and space for them, and helping them to organize themselves in a proper way. Encourage them, but never do it for them. As they grow, children must internalize that homework is their responsibility, that they are important and have three goals:

• Consolidate what was learned in the classroom.
• Deepen what has been learned in the classroom.
• Create a routine of tasks, work or study.

It is difficult to grow up with our children, and little by little to give them space to grow and to allow time to develop and nurture their personal abilities. It is, however, absolutely necessary. As necessary as giving them a home, food, or clothing. In this sense, overprotective mothers must go, step by step, transforming themselves into mothers who accompany and encourage, who give their opinion but do not decide.

This implies that we have to support children in their dreams and goals, even if we don’t like it. Maybe it’s not the goals we would have chosen for ourselves, but let’s not forget that it’s not our life, it’s theirs. And that as adults we have a great power to influence her: whether to make her wonderful or to frustrate all her dreams. This, and not any other, is the real sacrifice that education requires.