Similar Or Complementary: Which Is Better In A Couple?

Similar or complementary? That’s the question many people ask themselves when choosing a partner. While some people think that “opposites attract”, others want to avoid big differences at all costs in order to prevent conflicts.

The truth is that both positions have a reasonable basis. Those who think it’s better to have a relationship with someone who is different and therefore complementary believe that, for example, two irritable people will eventually clash. Those who are inclined to look for a partner similar to them point out that differences, sooner or later, create cracks.

There are also those who take an intermediate position. In his opinion, actually the point is not really that the two are similar or complementary, but that they are so in the right respects. Similar in some features and complementary in others.

After all, what does psychology have to say about this?

the charm of the opposite

When a person does not have a very positive opinion of himself, he is often attracted to those who are different. You will see in the other an opportunity to project or materialize something that you would like to be, without being able to. For example, someone feels that they are being overlooked and is looking for a partner who is very popular.

There is also the case of those in which the couple seeks a symbiosis to advance. The typical scenario is that of an insecure and fearful person who needs the strength of the other to protect him or give him the necessary support. In principle, this is not negative if it promotes growth, but if it promotes dependency, it becomes insane.

It is also the case of those who, faced with the similar or complementary option, choose the second one, because they see the couple as a team. Sometimes almost like a business. That’s why they think (and we should emphasize the word “think”) that it’s better to combine strengths and weaknesses to leverage common achievements.

Similar or complementary?

Science has also asked whether it is better for the members of a couple to be similar or complementary. At the University of Kansas, a study was conducted in which 1,523 couples were examined. They found that in 86% of cases, similar couples were longer lasting.

Another University of Michigan study reached a similar conclusion. Apparently, what has more weight is that there are agreements on aspects related to personality, values, attitudes, recreational activities, alcohol consumption and the use of technology.

Everything indicates that sometimes people are attracted to what is different. This generates curiosity and is seen as an opportunity to explore new emotional territories. However, over time, what was new starts to become a barrier. Differences then take on a negative value.

openness and flexibility

The dilemma that arises with the question of ‘similar or complementary’ is somewhat artificial. There is no way to find a partner who totally matches us or someone who perfectly complements the gaps or needs of our world. In reality, each person reaffirms and contrasts us at the same time. That’s why the alternatives are quite illusory.

That said, it should also be noted that all the studies in this regard indicate that similarity in basic tastes and attitudes is very important. Even so, there will always be aspects where the members of the couple will have to give in. The most stable couples are those who can be flexible with each other.

Differences between members of the couple are healthy. They are a contributing factor to mutual growth. Much of love life has to do with how space is given for these differences. When these are few and small, there is a high probability that this will be satisfactorily achieved in the long term. If the differences are too deep, the negotiation is more likely to be complicated.

So yes, there is an answer to the question: similar or complementary? And the answer is: both. Similar in essence and complementary based on voluntary and conscious agreements. Finally, this is what love is all about: finding a balance between one’s own empowerment, contributing to the other’s empowerment.