Avoidant Personality In Affective Relationships: How To Deal With It?

Have you ever had a partner who seemed very interested in you, but with whom it was impossible to have a strong, healthy commitment? Suspicious, insecure, instantly cold, resentful most of the time and bad managers of the emotional universe… The avoidant personality in affective relationships is a form of suffering for which we are not always prepared.

It’s true that we can all show a certain insecurity in relationship matters. However, when we find someone with a clearly evasive, suspicious and even hypervigilant behavior, we may be facing a personality disorder. These are, without a doubt, situations of great impact and wear, both for the person and for their surroundings.

They are figures that do not validate feelings, that erect walls and destroy alliances. Furthermore, in the face of any problem or difficulty in the relationship, the answer they will always give is distance. This coldness in behavior and affection traces a highly painful type of experience. As impressive as it may seem, this type of trait affects between 3 and 5% of the population. Let’s see more details.

Avoidant personality characteristics in affective relationships

If you are looking for a partner with whom you can establish a good emotional connection and also with whom to partner to grow together in the future, it is best not to commit to someone who has that profile. The avoidant personality in affective relationships can be adjusted to someone who is very independent,  who does not seek to establish a very significant attachment or connection.

Obviously, this is rarely feasible or desirable. Because if there is anything we want in a loving relationship, it is this committed, affectionate and enriching alliance that gives us happiness. However, someone with avoidant personality disorder finds it very difficult to develop healthy relationships. Furthermore, they are the typical figures who usually say: “now I love you, now I don’t love you, now I need you, now I want to distance myself” . Something like that, as we well know, is maddening.

Let us see, however, what are the characteristics that define the avoidant personality in affective relationships.

How to identify an avoidant partner?

When we talk about a person with avoidant behavior, we are not just describing someone who avoids us. It is something more complex that generally defines a psychiatric condition : avoidant personality disorder, described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders  (DSM-5).

Studies such as those carried out at the University of Berlin indicate that  we are dealing with people with marked anxiety, social inhibition, indecision, feelings of inadequacy and hypersensitivity … They are also very stable traits which often have a basic genetic character. All of this has a big impact on a relational level:

• They are overly concerned about being rejected. This makes them very suspicious and vulnerable.

• They feel hurt very easily, to the point where the other person doesn’t know how to act so as not to hurt them.
• They never end up committing themselves or opening up completely in feelings, affections and willingness  to share an authentic intimacy.
• They don’t like new or unexpected situations. So, it can be difficult for them to take the step of getting to know their partner’s family, for example, and also of performing non-routine activities.
• They don’t take chances. Thus, they will rarely do anything really brave or meaningful for their partner.
• They don’t know how to reach an agreement;  any disagreement between the couple turns into threats and they end up distancing themselves.
• They don’t validate emotions. If the other person expresses their feelings, those who have this personality will rarely express their own.

How to deal with these relationships marked by avoidance?

The avoidant personality in affective relationships causes suffering. That’s clear, but does it mean that what we should do immediately is run away?

The truth is, it ‘s always good to give that person a chance. We can do this through a clear strategy. If we are aware that after these demands there is no progress and coexistence is being unhappy, then yes, we must make a decision.

Let us therefore understand what dimensions we can apply to deal with the avoidant personality.

Ask the person to seek expert help

One thing we need to know about the avoidant personality is that, in many cases, the person may be dealing with a traumatic childhood, depression, and anxiety. It is important that she take the step to seek expert help.

Something that defines these figures is suffering, hypervigilance, emotional insecurity, fear of being criticized, rejected… Psychological help will allow the person to feel better. Because when someone feels good about their own being, they are able to establish healthier emotional relationships.

Make it clear that this behavior has consequences.

The evasive behavior of “I need you today and I’m leaving tomorrow” is not cool in a relationship. It is important for the other person to understand that their behavior creates emptiness, doubts, mistrust and emotional distance. This emotional mismanagement hurts and no one should tolerate this suffering. It is important to clarify to the other that this behavior will eventually lead to a separation.

If he wants to protect this affective relationship, he needs to act differently. If the person shows positive changes in behavior, willingness and commitment, this bond may be possible.

Now, we must also be clear about one aspect. We all have a limit. If the only thing we gain from this complicated relationship is a painful situation, we had better distance ourselves. However, remember that it is best to first encourage the person to seek expert help. Change may be possible.