Sometimes We Just Need Affection

Sometimes all we need is affection. Nothing more. We don’t want the usual words, nor those phrases that have been uttered so many times. We want to be reaffirmed, welcomed and valued  by the contact of that hand gently passing over our skin…

Few things offer an affective and mental calm as adequate as the simple act of caressing. Furthermore, professionals in the field of humanistic psychology tell us that everyone needs to be touched by the people they love in order to feel “recognized”.

Sensory deprivation is a reality that can exist not only in the relationship between the baby and its mother, but can also occur between couples at some point. They are bonds where there is no proper contact, in which the person is not recognized by the touch, hug, kind words…

In this case, there is no transmission of affection or that love that goes beyond words. A child suffering from maternal deprivation has a much slower development, in addition to possible reactive disorders and emotional disturbances in the future. These are children who grow up with serious needs.

At the affective level, between couples  it can also happen that some of the parties do not have that emotional wisdom implicit in the simple touches, in the accomplices affections that build a real relationship.

In these cases, the other member of the couple will feel empty and will have doubts about the feelings and validity of this commitment, of this relationship. Because affection is like the food our soul and emotional brain need to feel part of the world. Part of what they love.

Affection: a psychological, biological and social need

It is also generally said that  how a person received affection throughout their childhood will determine how they will expect affection from others.

If you never received affection as a child, it is quite possible that you do not know how to give it, but your need to receive it will undoubtedly be very intense, despite not recognizing it. It is complex, as  childhood needs determine many of our aspects in adult life.

And although there may be many individual differences, the need for contact, closeness and affection is a universal thing, and not just among human beings; it is also possible to find these traits among animals. We can even see them on our pets.

Now let’s see what are the basic characteristics and what psychological implications exist in relation to affection.

The power of unconditional caresses

For an act of caring to have impact, relevance and transcendence, it must be unconditional. I run my hand over your face because that’s what my heart feels, because I recognize you as part of me and I do it selflessly. No conditions.

• A caress is, above all, a  sensory stimulus. It creates a feeling, but for it to be authentic and unconditional, the act of caressing must arouse positive feelings and emotions.

• If the affection is sincere and unconditional, we establish an appropriate reciprocity. The two people recognize each other as part of each other and receive these caresses as a kind of language that unites them, that builds them up.

In the affection I offer you is also a part of me

We don’t caress people just to give pleasure, to soothe, to attend and satisfy. We do this to convey a part of ourselves and build a bond.

• The caresses after being given are what they are; the other person will have to judge them as something authentic or something false. Because we also cannot forget that  there are caresses that cause harm, pious or ironic touches  that can destroy the bond between two people.

• A kindness says a lot about us, that’s why we should offer it calmly, with tenderness, transmitting these complicity messages that don’t need words.

Affection as part of healthy attachment

On our website we often talk about the concept of attachment. And while it is true that, often and from other perspectives, attachment is defined as “dependence” or the act of clinging to something or someone exaggeratedly, seeing from a humanistic and affective point of view,  people need an attachment healthy to create the bond.

An affection is the gesture through which we recognize, involve and integrate one or more people in our being. They are part of our heart  and we need that skin-to-skin contact to reaffirm emotions.

Images courtesy of Zac Retz