Passive Violence: Deep Wounds That Look Shallow

Talking about passive violence is paradoxical. The violent takes us to an active position, so that, in principle, they would be two opposing concepts. However, in our daily lives, we repeatedly meet people who, without raising their voices or saying strong or harmful words, make us feel attacked. There are also situations that operate in the same way.

Victims of passive violence feel an indefinable discomfort and silent irritation. At the same time, it often becomes an agent of the same engine. This is not just for individuals, but also for groups.

Passive violence or a set of passive-aggressive attitudes can be defined as an unconscious force. It is the result of the inability or impossibility to resolve a conflict with authority, in one or several of its various manifestations, or with an adverse situation. There is a feeling of helplessness or helplessness that turns into resignation. However, this resignation is full of anger and frustration, which will eventually manifest itself indirectly.

Daily situations of passive violence

The most obvious examples of passive violence are found in many teenagers. For example, the father or mother tells them to put order in their chaos, and they never obey.

With younger children it is also very common. They throw a tantrum and, if you don’t give in to their whim, they throw themselves on the ground to get hurt (self-harm). Or, in other cases, a few days later, they break the most expensive china in the house “by accident”.

With adults there are also thousands of examples of passive violence, such as when you talk to someone who pretends not to hear you. Or when you are given a scathing criticism, disguised as advice or suggestion. Also when they put you between the sword and the wall and gently ask you to decide. And many other things.

Passive violence and authority

Passive violence usually manifests itself in situations involving power relations. It is precisely this power that prevents or limits the expression of aggressive feelings. This is why there is a false resignation, which translates into passive violence.

Authority figures can also be a constant target of passive violence: “first-time” parents, but also bosses, teachers, doctors, etc. Sometimes they don’t formally hold a position of power, but they have that connotation to each other. Like when one partner has more control or influence within a relationship.

In turn, these power figures often act with passive violence. They know that those under their authority are not free to react to their excesses. For example, when your boss asks you to work just one more hour a day, for everyone’s sake. Or when your partner tells you that you need to help him, because you couldn’t do a certain task on your own.

Passive violence is carried out generating guilt, disqualifying, humiliating or using the other, even if indirectly. Sometimes it’s very difficult to see what’s going on because it’s usually done with smooth phrases and good manners. It is almost never conscious.

The effect of passive violence on human groups

Many passive violence behaviors are transmitted and nurtured within society. When you’re on the street and a beggar asks you for alms, you often don’t want or can’t give that help. And when you walk away the pauper says, “May God bless you.” In reality, he doesn’t want God to bless you, he wants you to “go to hell.” That’s the message between the lines.

Explicit or passive violent behaviors generate responses with the same connotation: a stressed boss makes some employees take much longer to do their jobs. An authoritarian teacher motivates indiscipline behavior, hidden or not. The controlling mother can give rise to “messy” children. A politician who buys votes feeds citizens who don’t pay taxes.

The biggest problem with these passive violence behaviors is that, because they are not explicit, they generate confusion and easily escape awareness. When you complain to the teenager for not fulfilling a request, he says: “I already told you I’ll do it!” If you tell your boss that your assessment is unfair, he will likely recite some doctrines about discipline and efficiency. And your partner may be victimized or be really surprised when you tell him he’s treating you like an idiot.

We must learn to put an end to these manipulation mechanisms. It is important to resolve conflicts as they arise so that they do not encourage or fuel this type of violence. This doesn’t mean you should say everything that goes through your head without putting in a filter. It’s simply about increasing our ability to communicate, clearly and calmly, everything we don’t like.