A Pain That Has No Name

There are pains that mark and leave us speechless. There are losses that leave us not knowing how to act. You may be an orphan or a widow, but when you lose a child you realize that there are no words to define how you feel. This is a pain that has no name.

It’s a pain that hurts inside because you’ve lost a part of yourself, a part that you’ve built your life on. Everything loses its meaning; there is only guilt and reproach because you believe you should die before your child.

These feelings are normal, feeling this discomfort is common. Guilt and discomfort are the result of a series of negative beliefs that make you feel guilty about continuing to live.

It wasn’t your fault

The inner voice of our conscience is intense in times of mourning. This “talking cricket” that often helps us distinguish right from wrong can haunt us. It reminds us of everything that could have been and wasn’t. We blame ourselves for a past that is normally beyond our control.

Immersed in our pain, we asked ourselves: “What if I had woken up before”, “Would he be sick and I didn’t notice”?, “If I had acted differently”… But in fact, anything that we changed in the past would not would have modified the final result. We do not know when death will come and it is irrational to try to find its meaning.

It’s hard to tell the difference between guilt and responsibility, and it’s hard to move on. Guilt has no logic, it’s no use trying to understand. Because we don’t understand, we can’t accept it and we feel guilty.

Understanding pain is the first step to acceptance. This acceptance does not lead us to understand all the “whys” of the loss, because in most cases there is no explanation, it just happens.

Treating guilt and pain during grief

Guilt is one of the most difficult emotions to deal with during the grieving process, but there are several procedures that can help you overcome this pain.

• Talk to people about your pain : vent to family and close friends. May this loss not become a taboo. It is important to accept what happened and know the different points of view; this will help you to overcome the feeling of guilt.

• Accept your feelings : loss brings a range of emotions, from sadness to exhaustion. Accept, experience all emotions, but don’t let them stay with you.

• Don’t neglect your life: when we are experiencing grief, we feel discouraged and even without realizing it, we abandon our routines. We forget about everything and shut ourselves up in our pain, but don’t forget that you need to take care of yourself and others who need you too.
• Always remember the loved one who is gone: your child is not just about the moment of loss. Remember all the love and the good times you lived together. It’s the best tribute you can pay him.

• Seek professional help  if you feel it is necessary. Many people have gone through this same situation, but people are not the same. Don’t be shy about asking for help to overcome the emotions that afflict you so much.