Adult Tantrums And The 3-hour Rule

Adult tantrums are more common than we think. Maybe that’s because they don’t get as much visibility as children’s.

As a general rule, ours are more discreet, quiet and silent because, after all, we also have to face our frustrations, the negative emotions that make us impatient.

Let’s face it, neither years nor maturity make us solid and effective creatures in emotional matters.

It is true that, at one time or another, we have to deal with adults who burst into tantrums, protests and dramas in the same way as a three-year-old child. However, it is worth noting that in each of us there is also a child who feels hurt and affected when the world is not as he expected.

Having high expectations about certain things and seeing that they don’t come true, not knowing how to deal with disappointment, boredom or even accumulating an excess of negative emotions, are situations that, sooner or later, end up imploding inside us as small black holes.

We all have moments of tantrums in our daily lives, but we know how to hide them with greater or lesser precision. Experiencing these situations constantly leads us to very stressful states. So it is interesting to know a simple strategy.

Adult tantrums and the 3-hour rule

Angry tantrums in adults are very common, but they manifest themselves very differently from how they appear in childhood.

To begin with, one of the reasons many people turn to psychological therapy is because their anxiety level is so high that they don’t know which strategy to apply.

So when you go a little deeper into the origins of this dysfunctional state, it’s common to discover the same pattern.

There are those who feel that everyone around them ends up causing disappointment. Family, friends, partner, coworkers, etc. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone does something that, sooner or later, has consequences that bring problems.

This frustration often materializes in the form of internal tantrums. They are silent tantrums, in which the mind tosses between disillusionment, anger and disappointment. 

Adult tantrums are not manifested by throwing or breaking things. Most of them end up leading to the loneliness of a room, where the person breaks down in tears. It is not easy, as we see, to rationalize many of the things that happen to us on a daily basis.

There are those who are better able to manage and accept daily frustration and disappointment. Others, on the other hand, are more vulnerable. That’s why it ‘s essential to have some resource on hand.

Adult tantrums: the three-hour rule

In his book How to Deal with Destructive Emotions , Daniel Goleman states that our emotional brain is the one that reacts to everything that happens around us. This means that anything goes through the emotional filter before it goes through the rational.

Something similar is shown by studies such as that carried out by other specialists, such as Joseph E. LeDoux, from New York University: we are people who act, basically, by emotions, and that is why on many occasions they “play tricks” on us .

So what can we do when we feel overwhelmed by emotions? How to act in moments when we only feel anger and frustration? When something happens that we don’t like? Find out below.

You have three hours to act: breathe, concentrate and act

Angry attacks in adults often have negative consequences. On the one hand (and less frequently), there are those who overreact, raising their voices, speaking disrespectfully or even throwing objects.

On the other (and much more common) are those who prefer to deal in silence with their anger and frustration.

To avoid both situations, it is advisable to apply a simple strategy that has a peculiar starting point: awareness.

After this adverse, uncomfortable or frustrating event, we will have 3 hours to act correctly. After this time, it will be too late to resolve this situation in a mature, adult and solid way, as well as to deal adequately with the emotional knot of frustration.

So, we must follow these steps:

Breathe, don’t get carried away by the first emotion

When we feel frustrated, the first thing that emerges is anger. We can (and must) accept its presence, but never let it take us.

The first step we must take is to address its impact, relieve the physical tension that accompanies the emotion, and alleviate the adverse thoughts it often brings.

If anger and anger are under control, everything will be easier and we will reason better. One technique for achieving this is deep breathing.

concentrate, maintain self-control

The tantrums are typical of children who do not yet know how to deal with their emotional universe. Dealing with these tantrums is a normal part of the maturing process.

Therefore, as adults, we should have already gone through this stage. If this is not the case, we must take some steps in this direction. The most important thing, once you have calmed down your anger, is to concentrate, to think maturely and in a balanced way.

We have time to do this. Over the course of two or three hours, we should delve into the reasons for our discomfort and frustration:

• What made me uncomfortable? Is there a reason I feel this way?
• What should I do to feel better and prevent this situation from happening again?

Calmly and patiently, we must answer these questions.

Act

The last and most important step is to generate an appropriate response or behavior during these three hours. It’s not worth leaving it for tomorrow.

Adult tantrums happen because there is something that is seen as a threat, something that frustrates, that steals rights. After doing our self-assessment, if we think it’s justifiable to do something, let’s do it.

We must ask for explanations for those who wronged us, demand respect and set limits. It is, in essence, to maintain an adequate and well-founded behavior so that we feel better, to gain respect and maturity.

However, upon reflection, if we realize that we are acting impulsively, it is a worthwhile exercise to admit this and ask for forgiveness.

Emotional maturity doesn’t come with time, it’s not a factory upgrade that gets installed when you reach a certain age. We are the ones who must promote this process and, for that, nothing better than working on these internal rage attacks that we deal with silently.