Can You Tell The Difference Between A Problem And A Conflict?
Most of the time when we face interpersonal problems, the lack of success in solving is just a matter of “definition”. When we face a difficult situation, our negative emotions shoot up and sometimes overshadow everything that really mattered, bringing us to a complete standstill in the face of difficulty. Suddenly, we feel confused, drowned, we don’t find solutions, but… what are we facing?
Do you know what a conflict is?
There are two (at least) different points of view in the same situation. It’s no more than that. So how many conflicts do we go through in a day? Conflicts surround us, they live with us, they are part of the human being and, moreover, they are a powerful source of learning, if they are well focused. As Freud would say: “If two individuals are always in agreement on everything, I can guarantee that one of them thinks for both of them.”
We have to accept and know how to manage. But what is the solution to a conflict? The obvious, sometimes, is the most important: resolving a conflict is as simple and as complex as “reaching an agreement”. Sometimes we get caught up in eternal arguments that lead to no conclusion, just to have “the reason”, when, in most cases, “the reason” is totally secondary. Almost every conflict we face can be resolved through an agreement.
Agreements imply action by both parties: both must renounce some concepts, some priority, to achieve the common good… every resolution generates consequences, but these consequences do not invalidate the agreement, that is, I face, negotiate, lose a part and gain other. The part I lose is just a consequence, so it doesn’t have the power to make the deal wobble.
However, what if the conflict is internal? It looks more complex, but essentially it’s the same structure: I have two different points of view on the same situation. So what do I intend? The answer is the same: come to an agreement.
For that, I have to consider alternatives and make a decision, even if it has consequences that imply losses. Losses are manageable as the gains are assessed together and the balance becomes positive. So what is self-flagellation or self-criticism for? For nothing.
It’s a matter of accepting and validating the consequences. In the same way as in external conflicts, in which we deal with gains and consequences that we must accept, in internal conflicts it is the same: the consequence is inherent to the resolution, so we must accept it and not punish ourselves, contaminated by emotion.
Resolution must be emotion-free, cool-headed, and evaluating alternatives. Therefore, the criticism produced by accepting the consequences is not only unnecessary but also avoidable.
But then what is a problem?
We understand a problem as a situation that presents itself and, at this moment, has no solution. What can we do?
We go back to the obvious and no less important: we look for the solution. In this case, the first is to establish a goal, where do I want to go, what is my objective, what do I want to achieve.
Once the goal is established, we put into practice the possible alternatives to reach the solution of our problem; we assess, weigh, and then act. As in conflicts, emotion acts in a polarizing way. The resolution will sometimes be simple, and sometimes not. But that doesn’t mean that our goal is no longer valid; the path may be difficult, but we will be constant if we know where we want to go.
However, just as two types of conflicts appear (internal and external), we find ourselves with two types of problems: those that have a solution and those that have no solution. We already know what to do with the first ones, but what about the second ones? Can we do something? The answer is yes and it’s called acceptance.
We cannot resolve the loss of a loved one, nor can we recover something that was lost… but we can accept reality and minimize its impact on our emotions. Only then will we be able to create new alternatives.
