How To Live With An Alexithymic Person

Living with an alexithymic person is not easy. After all, few get used to living without a “I love you” or a “How are you?” .

The alexithymic person, unlike what we might think, has feelings. She feels, but does not know how to express in words her inner world of affections, emotions, disconcerting universes that block and distress her.

Nick Frye-Cox, Ph.D. from the University of Missouri, USA, revealed something interesting and worthy of reflection in one of his studies. A part of the separations that occur would be mediated by alexithymia.

These are situations in which one member of the couple does not feel validated by the other. In which, far from appreciating real love, he only experiences coldness and even neglect.

Interpersonal emotional communication structures any healthy bond. People need more than someone on their side.

We want emotionally active people, receptive and expressive figures who understand reciprocity, who offer reinforcements capable of nurturing the relationship, nurturing affection and daily commitment.

However, the alexithymic person is not always able to do this. And it’s not because I don’t want to. But because it lacks mechanisms to respond to what you feel.

It’s like trying to speak through a language you don’t know, it’s living in a cloudy dimension where everything emotional permeates this imprecise thickness that she doesn’t see, that she doesn’t understand.

On our part, it is necessary to try to understand this personality profile a little more. Living with this type of person can be painful, but it is always possible to put some strategies into practice.

What is an alexithymic person like?

First, we must be aware of a simple aspect: the alexithymic person is not a psychopath. At the same time, not all alexithymic profiles present a psychological disorder.

In fact, we are facing a personality trait identified by John Nemiah, a Boston psychoanalyst, in 1976.

To identify an alexithymic person, the Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20) is used . The dimensions that this scale measures are as follows:

• Difficulty identifying and describing feelings.
• Problems interpreting and distinguishing your own emotions.
• Tendency to social conformity.
• They assume that no one can understand them, and this sometimes creates frustration.

• They avoid talking about intimate aspects, what they feel, what they think, what happened. They prefer quick conversations, related to activities, hobbies , objective aspects.

A study carried out at the University of the Basque Country estimates that this profile can be associated with 15% of the population.

How to live with an alexithymic person

There are often those who make the mistake of thinking that the alexithymic person does not fall in love. This is not true. This personality profile also feels the need for parentage, for raising a family, for loving and being loved.

However, as neurologist Pablo Irimia points out, “the alexithymic person feels, but is unable to express in words these states according to the context”. 

So let’s see what strategies we should use to live with an alexithymic person.

What is not said in words is expressed by other channels

Love, affection, complicity and admiration can be expressed in many ways, not just in words.

To live with an alexithymic person, we must understand that it will be extremely difficult for him to verbalize his feelings. However, we can perceive them in the look and in non-verbal language.

Also, one channel that many alexithymic people use is writing. The couple must find a way in which these feelings can be reflected.

physical communication

Collin Hesse, professor of communication at the University of Missouri, has performed several therapies in which it is possible to see an interesting aspect. The alexithymic person responds well to physical contact, caresses, hugs, kisses… Adopting this type of language in everyday life can make things much easier.

When words fail, it ‘s a good idea to resort to this type of highly emotional gesture. They encourage empathy, connection and, above all, relieve anxiety.

It is clear that the alexithymic person’s partner suffers, but the person who has this personality trait also suffers from not knowing how to communicate their feelings.

Three Types of Therapy to Improve Coexistence

One thing we must understand about alexithymia is that it cannot be cured. We are facing a personality type, not a clinical disorder.

Therefore, to live with an alexithymic person, it is necessary for him to have contact with different types of therapy to improve the relationship, so that he acquires mechanisms with which to optimize the relationship and communication with others.

The three most interesting approaches are as follows:

• Stimulation of Emotional Intelligence.
• Techniques for reducing anxiety and aggression.
• Relaxation exercises.

Protecting Emotional Integrity: When Coexistence Is Not Possible

Living with an alexithymic person is exhausting. The reason for this is evident: many people get tired of giving too much of themselves without receiving anything in return, without seeing improvements.

Thus, it is important to protect our psychological health. As we have already indicated, living with an alexithymic person can involve great suffering (for both). Therefore, sometimes there is no other option but to reflect on the relationship itself and make a decision.

However, we must not leave it without first fighting for it. Many couples managed to find mechanisms that allow them to create their own language through which they feel validated, a relationship in which emptiness is not excessive and coexistence is possible.