Self-demanding And The Need For Control

We live in a society full of professional, social and family demands. That’s why it ‘s hard not to join the bandwagon with our own personal demands. Next, we’ll talk more about self-demanding and the need for control.

Sometimes it’s almost impossible to take a break when society moves so fast. We have endless to-do lists, various schedules that “help” us organize and optimize time, appointments we must keep, and tasks at home or with the family where we have to be present.

“Will I be a good mother?”, “If I stay late, my work will be more valued”, “I can’t make mistakes”, “Do my friends like me?” are some of the many most common questions.

Excessive self-demand

This imposed need to reach a goal can lead us to the mistaken belief that perfection can and should be achieved in all or most areas of our lives.

Setting goals gives meaning to life; the problem arises when we set tireless goals, either because they were created from ideals or because the goals we set are not realistic: “ I’ll never be late for work ”.

I owe vs. I want: a common debate

• Let’s start by rethinking whether the goals we set for ourselves depend solely on us ; that is, if they are accessible due to our personal qualities and resources, as well as our circumstances, environment and relationships.
• So, let’s think about whether we really want to walk the path towards this end or whether we feel it is an obligation imposed by society, the environment or our own beliefs about this ideal of excellence.

It is good to encourage ourselves to carry out the following reflective task: separate the things we do during the day into two columns, considering whether we consider them an obligation or if they were part of our choices. In the first one, we will write “I must or have to” and in the second “I want or would like to”. Let’s look at a very simple example:

“I have to stay home this weekend because I have to clean, wash and iron clothes. However, I want to go to the beach because I would like to disconnect from the whole week of work and go to bed and rest”.

The need to distinguish between obligation and choice

When faced with this situation, the mind begins to balance the pros and cons for each of the options: “doing homework” or “rest on the beach” . This is where the need for control arises, to structure our lives based on what is desirable, what is expected of us or the ideal that we articulate in our heads.

We even boycotted our desire to go to the beach with the excuse that, if we go, on Monday we will have a lot more accumulated tasks, those around the house and day-to-day work, school, appointments, etc. It is this anxious, negative anticipation that causes the anguish of being stuck, the obsession with taking advantage of time, and the fear of not being productive.

Perhaps just thinking like that encourages the obligation to stay at home. We feel tied down as the days go by and we comfort ourselves with the idea that “ another weekend will come ”.

choose and discard

Understanding that life is constantly changing and that we cannot, even if we want to, have everything under control will help us make decisions based on our concerns, needs, pleasures or personal desires for health and well-being.

Choosing to take control of our lives without its own demands will free us from the stress, pressure, frustration or impotence generated by the self-imposed obligations of an ideal of excellence or perfection.

As we let go of this burden, we give ourselves permission to do the following:

• To be ourselves, without internal judges who criticize how well or how badly we do things.
• Loving ourselves as we are, accepting the mistakes we might make and valuing our personal qualities.
• Being assertive, saying “no” from time to time, without feeling guilty.
• Dedicating time to ourselves, taking care of our physical and mental health.
• Recognize our achievements, valuing the effort used to achieve them.
• Be our priority, listening to the needs we have without considering ourselves selfish for it.

Faced with self-requirement, it is better to choose adaptability

“ We strive every day to achieve the impossible, ” said Tal Ben-Shahar, a professor at Harvard University, in his book The Harvard Way to Be Happy . About 86% of the people around us are perfectionists, and the main reason for their unhappiness is the constant pursuit of perfection.

Learning to “take your foot off the gas” or “release the parking brake” is not an easy task, but it is very rewarding. In the process, we can:

• Entering the path of self-knowledge, understanding the way we work.
• Working in emotional management, removing from our lives what causes us discomfort.
• Choose freely, balancing the scales between the “I must” and the “I want”.
• Change the focus of our lives towards happiness based on our health and well-being.

Worth trying. We won’t lose anything with this.