The Complacent Personality: Trying To Please Out Of Fear

The complacent personality is not a clinical category, but it is often an expression of difficulties in the psychological sphere. It is common for this type of person to be very pleasant and well received in the environments in which they move, but at the same time they are paying a high price for it, even if they don’t realize it.

What defines a complacent personality is excessive conditioning: looking outward predominates when perceiving and making decisions. These people condition what they think, want or feel to the satisfaction of a need: winning the sympathy of others.

In the complacent personality, the feeling of responsibility prevails over the well-being of others, that is, the idea that they must seek the good of others, otherwise they feel guilt or fear. The point is that these people are able to bypass themselves and their own needs to achieve this goal. And that’s the problem.

the complacent personality

A complacent personality is formed during childhood and in a context where family conflict prevails. The origin is usually in a narcissistic father or a controlling mother (also narcissistic) who have, often unconsciously, formulated an order for the child to “disappear”.

These parents conveyed the idea that they were always right and generally silenced their children’s opinions. Usually, they were also extremely unstable, with sudden and unexplained outbursts of anger . It could be that they were violent during these episodes. Their children never knew what to expect from them.

It is also possible that in the genesis of the complacent personality, in addition to what has already been described, there were situations such as the following:

• Addicted parents. They generate unpredictable situations that cause fear and a feeling of threat in children.
• Overly strict rules and disproportionate punishments for transgressions.
• Very conflicting and perhaps violent relationship between the parents.
• Father or mother with a histrionic personality . That is, with explosions of drama and a kind of show of physical or emotional pain.
• Depressed or anxious parent.

In all these cases, perhaps the child has learned to mediate or moderate the situation. You may also have learned to fear and have difficulty expressing your own voice.

The Compliant Personality Characteristics

At the heart of the complacent personality is the fear of conflict , rejection and abandonment. And actions are conditioned by that fear. The person does not act out of reaffirming himself, but to prevent his behavior from eliciting the reactions he fears. That’s why she seeks the well-being of others, regardless of the personal cost that this entails.

The main characteristics of the compliant personality are as follows:

• Conflict avoidance. These people are capable of giving in, even in very important respects, in order to prevent others from being upset or a situation from becoming explosive.
• Focus on the needs of others. They do not question or critically look at the needs of others, but rush to meet them.
• Tendency to blame yourself. Reaffirming yourself at some point or claiming something for yourself causes a strong sense of guilt.
• Continuous doubt. In general, they don’t know how to handle problematic situations. They doubt their feelings and their ability to cope with difficulties.
• They are usually perfectionists . These people try to do everything very well. Basically, they just want to avoid the possibility of being reprimanded for some mistake or oversight.

• Low self esteem. They only feel comforted when they receive approval from others.
• Hypersensitivity. The perception of rejection or contempt from others creates a lot of hurt.

Guidelines for change

It is common for someone with a complacent personality not to be aware that they have a problem. It feels “normal” to move unobtrusively around the world trying not to disturb anyone. In fact, these people may see this as a virtue, as many will, of course, approve and praise their way of being peaceful and submissive.

The hardest point for them is to understand where the boundary lies between being extremely nice and empathetic, and renouncing themselves to please and not irritate others. To find this limit, they must redirect the relationship they have with themselves.

They need to learn to practice a form of “healthy selfishness”. Sometimes they won’t be able to do this on their own, so they will need professional help to achieve this goal. In any case, it all starts when they discover that they are entitled to a place in the world just for themselves and that, for the same reason, they deserve to give themselves the opportunity to be.