What I Would Like People To Understand About Losing A Child

What I would like people to understand about losing a child is that no one is prepared for it. From there, and first of all, I want to recommend something very essential and wonderful: we must enjoy every moment with the people we love. Nothing in this life is safe, nothing is guaranteed, not even that children will outlive their parents.

If there is one aspect that all people who have suffered the loss of a child emphasize it is the feeling of loneliness and incomprehension that they feel in the first moments. Many feel isolated because they think no one can understand their pain.

First of all, it must be said that there are no strategies that can serve all of us equally when facing the grief of the loss of a child.

However, what we must be aware of is that we  must not face all of this in solitude. The family nucleus must stay united and help each other, heal itself and learn to live with this emptiness, guiding the day to day again. It is therefore worth bearing in mind these simple reflections that we want to share with you today.

I will fight daily against the paralysis of my spirit, my body

Losing a child makes everything stop overnight. It is something against nature, which our mind is not able to understand.  And we were quiet, breathless, as if we had run out of soul…

This is something we should avoid. Our mind is incapable of processing what has happened, the denials, the blockage and immobility. However,  the grief process itself should help us deal with all these emotions.

We have to avoid being isolated, because loneliness itself pushes us towards paralysis. It is vital, then, to enlist the help of family, friends and any health care professionals to help us deal with all of this.

I must learn to live with my sadness

Saying that it is possible to get over the death of a child is not true. Overcoming means winning, and no one can and should not overlook the absence, of an emptiness that is rooted in our very essence as a person.

• The death of a child is assumed, mourned and accepted. We learn to live with this emptiness, but we are aware that this sadness will always be present in our hearts.
• Believe it or not, there comes  a day when pain is no longer so destructive, and we can breathe without feeling pain, walk without our soul getting heavy and breathe without our heart  hurting.
• Because to live again is to honor the memory of those who are no longer here. It is to understand that we carry these people with us always, that remembering them is honoring them, and that love transcends us even if sadness continues to dwell in us.

I must not neglect my partner

Losing a child means seeing how a couple’s vital and family project has suddenly been orphaned. The void is immense and the bonds are no longer the same, but that doesn’t mean we should stop fighting for this project.

• It is necessary to avoid guilt and disapproval. In these situations, even silence itself can be harmful and destructive.
• We need to respect the way each person undertakes  grief . There are those who have greater strategies and are able to open up; others, on the contrary, need time to “be able to react”, and this is something we must know how to understand.
• Intimacy, commitment and passion are three pillars that must continue to be present in the relationship. If we keep feeding them, the relationship will move forward. If we just show emptiness or run away from certain things, chances are that a distance will emerge.

Losing a child and not neglecting others

Children perceive death very differently from us. And we can’t neglect their own processes, especially if they are between 6 and 10 years old.

It is recommended that children express their words,  that we answer their doubts and encourage their emotional release , without hiding our own grief. The pain must take shape so that it can be released and channeled.

We must go back to having projects in our daily lives, allowing us to smile again with the children, honoring the memory of the one who is no longer here. We will learn to live without this child, but he will never lose that privileged place in our heart. Life will be different after this loss, there is no doubt about that, but you have to allow yourself to be happy. 

Image credits: Lucy Campbell, Claudia Tremblay.