When The Family Affects A Couple’s Relationship

When the family affects the couple’s relationship, the foundations of that relationship are shaken and the situation becomes complicated. It is at this moment that we learn to deal with situations for which, perhaps, we were not prepared. Let’s reflect: the moment we choose who to share our life with, in some way, we also choose your family.

The issue is not new, we know that. However, in the midst of these situations orchestrated by inter-family dynamics, conflicts, confrontations and discrepancies continue to be (on average) quite recurrent. Furthermore, as several studies reveal and especially one study published in Psychology Today, three out of four couples experience significant problems with their in-laws, and 60% of women experience disagreements with their partner’s mothers.

In some ways, this reminds us of the wonderful Stanley Kramer movie, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”. In it, the parents of the young woman who had just committed to a black man reflect on the essence of these conflicting situations. Parents believe that they educate their children in the best possible way; they teach values ​​and guidelines, but in the end, they choose loving partners who don’t always fit the family’s expectations.

Parents often do not define their children as people who are free and able to choose their own paths, goals or people to love. Parents see them more as personal projects on which they project a series of ideals. So, when they start a relationship, there is often the shadow of disappointment, the uncomfortable sound of something that bothers and, above all, that elongated shadow that threatens the family project…

Between the cross and the sword: when the family affects the relationship

There are families of many types. Besides, as Oscar Wilde said, nothing is as closed and mysterious as a house where the curtains are drawn and nobody can imagine what happens, what is lived there. However, we cannot generalize. There are parents, of course, characterized by the principle of emotional health who understand that there are limits, who know how to facilitate and respect, as much as possible, their children’s relationship with their partners.

Now the opposite also happens. The family’s affection becomes toxic, controlling and even authoritarian. What’s more, we sometimes  start a relationship without knowing that we “bring in the package” a family where there are poisonous rivalries  and the most adverse dynamics. We always talk about the classic and antagonistic relationship with the in-laws, but they forget the inherited problems, such as rivalry between siblings, conflicting cousins, very critical uncles and sons-in-law, in-laws who get involved in everything…

Thus, we can say that a family is a microcosm loaded with multiple meanings and dynamics. We may clash with older relatives trying to maintain their position of authority or mothers used to passive-aggressive behavior. We may have disagreements about ideas about how to raise a child, about religious or political ideas. Or, constantly dealing with the certainty that we are not good enough for this family. And when that affects us, everything starts to destabilize. When the family affects the couple’s relationship and exceeds the limits of our privacy, we have to face the challenge of redirecting the situation without suffering.

Some people opt for extreme decisions, putting the couple between a cross and a sword to force them to choose. There are those who make allies and, with that, cause real storms. Others choose silence. Others play victims who put up with everything for the couple’s love. Then, sooner or later, all these situations end up affecting the relationship, reaching situations as sad as disappointing.

Although, in many cases, we would like to be able to erase or deactivate the presence of these conflicting families that sometimes accompany our partners as an appendix, we can say that there are better options.

Strategies to strengthen the couple’s relationship

• We need to maintain constant communication with our partner. It is necessary to talk about how certain words, acts or circumstances affect us. Avoid criticism, it is only necessary to highlight realities without falling into contempt or offense.
• The situation of each family is unique. Starting from this idea, it is necessary to differentiate between what is acceptable and what is not, between what is understandable and what is abuse.
• Agree with your partner about where your limits are. About what we can accept and what we are not willing to allow. The consensus between the two must be very clear, but the most important thing is to define these boundaries with the family, so that everything is clear between all parties.
• Furthermore, it is necessary to show what hurts us or what bothers us in the face of that mother-in-law who criticizes us, that brother who does not accept us or that father who wants to know and control everything. We will practice assertiveness so that they understand the impact of their behavior, so that they see our limits and understand that there are alternatives to improve the relationship.

To conclude, even if the family influences the relationship, it is not always for the worse. In fact, many families make room for reflection in times of crisis. On the contrary, if the influence is negative, it is important to reach an agreement with the couple on how to act so that we can get their support. If we do this, it is very likely that the couple will emerge strengthened from the challenge and the conflict will be resolved.